Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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