if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I won't apologize to a one balled man
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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