I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
