I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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