The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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