good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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