just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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