fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
