my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
