So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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