A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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