I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
