I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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