I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
