im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
