So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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