That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
