Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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