Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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