I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
