What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
