forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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