dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
