My sheets look like a crime scene.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
