i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
