so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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