woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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