I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
