you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
