My cat gives me a boner
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
