The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
