I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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