I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
