never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
