He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
