The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
