I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
