Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
