we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
