He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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