i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
