Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
