I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize