How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
