On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
