Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
