We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
