So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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