Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
