hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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