You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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