think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
