I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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