and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
