Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
