I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
