I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
