I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
did i just pee glitter
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
