I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
