He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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